Andrea Krejci Paradis
Many of us are scared to death of death. And why wouldn't we be? We've been trained to value life. More specifically, we've been trained to value the beauty and vibrancy of youth. As an End of Life Doula, my intention is to bring comfort and support to the dying and help them and their family discover there is beauty and light in death.
I tell people I'm an End of Life Doula, and I'm often met with blank stares. It sounds strange or downright weird but I find this work to be extremely real and important for our time. The services I provide are not new. People used to discuss the meaning of life, their feelings about death, leave something behind for their family and have ritual around death itself. But over the past 30-40 years we've lost our connection to what death could be like. It does not have to be a cold,
sterile, hospitalized experience. Furthermore, the legality of dying is much more complicated for
families than it used to be. Having a person there to facilitate connection and give support in the final days gives families space to really be with their loved one during the moments that matter.
Sometimes we know death is coming and have had the blessing of time to prepare. End of Life Doulas are there to help you prepare for what is coming to empower you and your family through open discussions, legacy work, vigil planning and vigil support.
Open Discussions
Speaking about death does not mean you're going to die today. Or that you're giving up. Or that the more you speak about it the more horrible it will be. When I begin working with an individual or family, the first thing we do is talk about and celebrate the life that has been lived. Joys, regrets, happiness, sadness, what has been learned. Some people (not all) then want to
discuss how they feel about the transition from life to death. Whether we speak about life or death or both, it doesn't matter. Many express the peace and comfort they experience in the fact that there is someone who is willing to speak openly about any of these topics. Knowing your doula can offer an unbiased, confidential ear sometimes makes the discussion easier
as opposed to speaking with a friend or family member. These discussions are organic and fluid and go any direction an individual wants to go.
Legacy Work
Through our opening discussions, we discover what ends need to be tied or lessons that can be passed down to future generations. A legacy project can be anything that represents that person and the lessons or stories they want to leave behind. It can be produced in the form of letters, videos, a cook book, art, scrap book, the options are limitless.
I help people discover what is the most important to them and find ways they can share it with others. Some people decide to work on this project on their own or some employ the help of family or friends. Work on legacy projects not only creates a sense of connection in a family, but studies show can also lower pain and stress in an individual who is dying. In some cases, the
dying person cannot participate but the family decides to create the legacy project to honor their loved one.
Vigil Planning and Support
Society does not make it acceptable to talk about death so even the thought can bring up stress, anxiety and fear. Anything we cannot predict or control is always a little scary, but vigil planning can bring comfort and empowerment to the experience. Sometimes the plan needs to change but vigil planning gives you the opportunity to think about and write down what you’d prefer. Where do you want to be when you die? At the hospital or at home? Do you want many people in the
room or just one at a time? Do you want specific smells or pictures in the room? Do you want people to pray or read to you? We create a plan for your final days and write it down so everyone around you will be on the same page. During vigil support your doula makes sure your wishes are followed. Sometimes plans need to shift and adjust (again, death is a transition that is full of unknowns), but your doula is there to help re-calibrate the plan to get as close to the original outline as possible. Sometimes a vigil plan includes a ceremony or ritual after the person has passed away- prayers they want said or stories they want told, and End of Life Doulas are
there to help facilitate.
An End of Life Doula is there to offer loving support in any way you or your family needs and it's my intention is to help open the death dialogue and remove the taboo around preparing for death. Death is coming for all of us but instead of denying the fact, we can choose to be grateful we know it's coming some day. Your relationship with death can be one of peace, and an End
of Life Doula is there to assist you along the way.
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